Counselling For Limerence
Counselling for Limerence: What It Is, Why It Happens, and How Therapy Can Help
Have you ever found yourself obsessively thinking about someone, feeling like you can’t stop fantasizing about a romantic connection that seems all-consuming? You might be experiencing something called limerence. As a counsellor and someone who's supported clients with limerence, I understand how overwhelming and confusing it can feel.
In this post, I’ll explain what limerence is, why it happens, and how counselling can help you break free from this emotional cycle and regain control over your well-being.
What is Limerence?
Limerence is often described as an intense, almost obsessive infatuation with someone, where your thoughts, feelings, and emotions are dominated by the person you’re attracted to. Unlike regular attraction, limerence can take over your mind in a way that feels uncontrollable, often leading to fantasies about a future with that person, constant thinking about them, and an overwhelming desire for their reciprocation.
It can feel exhilarating at first, but limerence is more than just a crush—it can be a distressing emotional state that feels out of balance, leaving you longing for something that may not be real or reciprocated.
What Causes Limerence?
Limerence is complex and often stems from a combination of emotional, psychological, and sometimes even biological factors. Some possible causes include:
Unmet Emotional Needs
Sometimes, limerence arises when we feel a lack of emotional connection or validation in our lives. The person we’re infatuated with may represent a source of fulfillment that we crave.Attachment Styles
For people with an anxious attachment style, the need for constant reassurance and validation can lead to a fixation on someone, particularly if they perceive the relationship as uncertain or distant.Past Trauma or Unresolved Issues
Limerence can also develop when someone has unresolved emotional wounds, often from childhood or past relationships, which they unconsciously project onto a new person.Biological and Neurochemical Factors
Our brains release dopamine and oxytocin when we fall in love or become infatuated with someone. For some, these neurochemicals may create an addictive pattern of obsessive thinking and longing, making it hard to break free from the emotional intensity of limerence.
Why Limerence Can Be Detrimental to Well-Being
While limerence may initially feel thrilling, it can become detrimental to your emotional health in several ways:
Emotional Rollercoaster
Limerence often creates an emotional high and low. When your feelings are not reciprocated, or when there’s uncertainty about the relationship, it can lead to intense emotional pain, anxiety, and frustration.Obsessive Thinking
The constant thoughts and fantasies about the person can take over your daily life, making it difficult to focus on other important areas, like work, hobbies, or relationships with friends and family.Unrealistic Expectations
Limerence can cause you to idealize the person you’re infatuated with, leading you to put them on a pedestal. This often creates unrealistic expectations, which can cause disappointment and heartache if things don’t work out the way you imagined.Imbalance in Relationships
If your emotional energy is consumed by limerence, it can impact your relationships with others. You may neglect current relationships or become overly dependent on the person you’re infatuated with, which creates an unhealthy dynamic.
How Counselling Can Help with Limerence
As someone who’s worked with many individuals experiencing limerence, I want you to know that counselling can be a transformative space for understanding and breaking free from this emotional cycle. Here’s how I approach it in my practice:
Understanding the Root Causes
In therapy, we explore where your limerence is coming from. Whether it’s linked to unmet emotional needs, attachment patterns, or past traumas, understanding the root of your feelings helps make sense of your emotional state and provides clarity on how to move forward.Building Self-Worth and Emotional Independence
Limerence often stems from feeling incomplete or reliant on someone else for validation. Therapy helps you work on building your own self-worth, so you can learn to validate and nurture yourself, reducing the need to seek external validation from others.Creating Healthier Relationship Dynamics
In therapy, we can explore how limerence may be impacting your current relationships and help you shift towards creating healthier, more balanced connections. This includes improving communication, managing expectations, and building emotional resilience.Breaking the Cycle of Obsessive Thinking
Limerence often leads to obsessive thoughts and fantasies. We can work on challenging these thoughts and creating healthier patterns of thinking. This helps you break free from the cycle of rumination and regain control over your emotions.
Counselling for Limerence: What It Is, Why It Happens, and How Therapy Can Help
By Josie, Counsellor and Psychotherapist
Have you ever found yourself obsessively thinking about someone, feeling like you can’t stop fantasizing about a romantic connection that seems all-consuming? You might be experiencing something called limerence. As a counsellor and someone who's supported clients with limerence, I understand how overwhelming and confusing it can feel.
In this post, I’ll explain what limerence is, why it happens, and how counselling can help you break free from this emotional cycle and regain control over your well-being.
What is Limerence?
Limerence is often described as an intense, almost obsessive infatuation with someone, where your thoughts, feelings, and emotions are dominated by the person you’re attracted to. Unlike regular attraction, limerence can take over your mind in a way that feels uncontrollable, often leading to fantasies about a future with that person, constant thinking about them, and an overwhelming desire for their reciprocation.
It can feel exhilarating at first, but limerence is more than just a crush—it can be a distressing emotional state that feels out of balance, leaving you longing for something that may not be real or reciprocated.
What Causes Limerence?
Limerence is complex and often stems from a combination of emotional, psychological, and sometimes even biological factors. Some possible causes include:
Unmet Emotional Needs
Sometimes, limerence arises when we feel a lack of emotional connection or validation in our lives. The person we’re infatuated with may represent a source of fulfillment that we crave.Attachment Styles
For people with an anxious attachment style, the need for constant reassurance and validation can lead to a fixation on someone, particularly if they perceive the relationship as uncertain or distant.Past Trauma or Unresolved Issues
Limerence can also develop when someone has unresolved emotional wounds, often from childhood or past relationships, which they unconsciously project onto a new person.Biological and Neurochemical Factors
Our brains release dopamine and oxytocin when we fall in love or become infatuated with someone. For some, these neurochemicals may create an addictive pattern of obsessive thinking and longing, making it hard to break free from the emotional intensity of limerence.
Why Limerence Can Be Detrimental to Well-Being
While limerence may initially feel thrilling, it can become detrimental to your emotional health in several ways:
Emotional Rollercoaster
Limerence often creates an emotional high and low. When your feelings are not reciprocated, or when there’s uncertainty about the relationship, it can lead to intense emotional pain, anxiety, and frustration.Obsessive Thinking
The constant thoughts and fantasies about the person can take over your daily life, making it difficult to focus on other important areas, like work, hobbies, or relationships with friends and family.Unrealistic Expectations
Limerence can cause you to idealize the person you’re infatuated with, leading you to put them on a pedestal. This often creates unrealistic expectations, which can cause disappointment and heartache if things don’t work out the way you imagined.Imbalance in Relationships
If your emotional energy is consumed by limerence, it can impact your relationships with others. You may neglect current relationships or become overly dependent on the person you’re infatuated with, which creates an unhealthy dynamic.
How Counselling Can Help with Limerence
As someone who’s worked with many individuals experiencing limerence, I want you to know that counselling can be a transformative space for understanding and breaking free from this emotional cycle. Here’s how I approach it in my practice:
Understanding the Root Causes
In therapy, we explore where your limerence is coming from. Whether it’s linked to unmet emotional needs, attachment patterns, or past traumas, understanding the root of your feelings helps make sense of your emotional state and provides clarity on how to move forward.Breaking the Cycle of Obsessive Thinking
Limerence often leads to obsessive thoughts and fantasies. Through techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we can work on challenging these thoughts and creating healthier patterns of thinking. This helps you break free from the cycle of rumination and regain control over your emotions.Building Self-Worth and Emotional Independence
Limerence often stems from feeling incomplete or reliant on someone else for validation. Therapy helps you work on building your own self-worth, so you can learn to validate and nurture yourself, reducing the need to seek external validation from others.Creating Healthier Relationship Dynamics
In therapy, we can explore how limerence may be impacting your current relationships and help you shift towards creating healthier, more balanced connections. This includes improving communication, managing expectations, and building emotional resilience.Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation
Mindfulness practices can help you stay present and grounded in your emotions. By learning to observe your feelings without being overwhelmed by them, you can create more emotional stability and gain a clearer perspective on your relationship dynamics.
You Don’t Have to Navigate Limerence Alone
Limerence can feel isolating, especially when you’re consumed by the intensity of your emotions. But it doesn’t have to define you or your relationships. Counselling can be a space for you to understand, manage, and heal from limerence, helping you find balance and peace.
If you’re struggling with limerence, please know that help is available. I’ve worked with many clients facing this challenge, and with the right support, you can break free from the emotional grip of limerence and regain control over your well-being and relationships.